Romantic ideals

Well, CJS, your comments about connections between my fascination for Heathcliff and feelings for my brother left me reeling. This is a big topic, but I'll make a small start.

I was in my late 20s when I read "Wuthering Heights" for the first time. It made a huge impression on me. Until that time, I had never encountered a character with whom I'd identified so strongly (Catherine Earnshaw) or a perspective on romantic love that so matched my sensibilities (mirror image connection).

In my own experience, love is involuntary. It bypasses conscious processes and operates on very deep and basic levels. Of course, managing relationships requires a lot of conscious effort and skill, but the motivation to do so is either there or not. You can neither create it nor kill it.

It's a bit like McLelland's theory of work motivation: what gives you a buzz and drives you in life is innate. Your values, on the other hand, are shaped culturally and can change through life experience. When I encountered these ideas in the corporate world, a lot of things fell into place for me. I was putting myself under immense stress because what I wanted to do frequently conflicted with what I thought I should do.

Sooo, back to "Wuthering Heights". No credible character is all light. What gives me a buzz about Cathy AND Heathcliff are their self-reliance, resilience and passion. Their dark sides are vile -- selfishness, callousness, and arrogance -- but these are the very flip sides of their positives.

Like Cathy and Heathcliff, my brother and I effectively raised ourselves. Which means we have just as little patience as they did with sweet, pampered Linton types. Arguably, we haven't take our dark sides to quite their extremes. Then again, maybe we have.

We all have darkness in us. But we bond with others who share our shadows. It's only natural. I've learned to let myself enjoy my buzzes and duck a few truly loathed shoulds.